


Baby steps

by concilium



Series: Journal | Sarah Paulson and characters [6]
Category: Sarah Paulson - Fandom
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Fights, Fluff and Angst, Marriage, Pregnancy Talk, Sad and Happy, Sad with a Happy Ending, pure fluff towards the end, you're bad at picking names
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-14
Updated: 2020-10-14
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:22:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27000409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/concilium/pseuds/concilium
Summary: You are ready to enlarge the family, but Sarah isn't so sure
Relationships: Sarah Paulson/Original Female Character(s), Sarah Paulson/You
Series: Journal | Sarah Paulson and characters [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1970521
Kudos: 23





	Baby steps

Everything started when you and Sarah moved out and decided to explore the neighborhood a little. You two walked around and passed by a park, where you could see all the kids in the playground.

That night you dreamed with taking your child to the park, sitting and making new friends with the other moms while your kid was happily playing with others.

Two months later, you were seeing kids _everywhere_ ; your friends were getting pregnant and thinking of names. You were even picked to be the godmother of your best friend's unborn baby. You were so excited and happy, but still, something was missing.

“You have been staring at that book for ages, baby.” Sarah chuckled softly, leaving her glasses on top of her script to give you all the attention.

“Sorry, I zoned out.” You said with a smile, Sarah already wrapping her arms around your waist and pulling you in. “I know, you have been daydreaming a lot lately.”

Sarah had a hint of curiousness in her voice, and she raised an eyebrow at you. “I’m just thinking about you,” you said. It wasn't a lie, you were indeed thinking about her, but with a small plus.

“Oh? Is that so?” Her voice was low and raspy, but the way she was looking at you made you burst into laughs. “If you want to take me to bed, stop using that face.” You chuckled softly while Sarah was pretending to be offended.

“Well _shit_ , that was my best shoot.” You rolled your eyes and wrapped your arms around her neck, taking your time to kiss your wife slowly until she couldn't resist anymore. “You’ll be the death of me, y/n.”

“As long as you fuck me first, I don't really mind.”

• • •

You were able to forget about the subject for days, convincing yourself that it'd go away eventually.

You married Sarah almost two years ago, everything was perfect and you didn't need a baby _at all_. Besides, with Sarah's career it would be complicated, _right?_

It was two weeks later when you couldn't keep it to yourself anymore. Sarah knew something was going on, some days you were awfully quiet, having trouble to fall asleep, but you kept saying everything was just fine, and you had a lot of work going on.

You didn't _need_ a baby, but you _wanted_ one. And you wanted it with the woman you _loved._

“Sarah? I need to talk to you.” Your voice was soft, yet the blonde could see the conflict in your face and she was scared. She put the cutlery down and swallowed her food quite harshly.

“Should I be scared, y/n?” Sarah asked and you shook your head. “No, no... I mean, it's nothing to be worried about, I guess?” She slowly nodded, leaning against the chair. Seemed like your answer was enough to calm her thoughts for a moment. “I’m all ears.”

_So you dropped the bomb._

“A baby?” Sarah frowned. “We don't need a baby, we have everything right here honey... I don't–I don't think so.”

“I know we don't need a baby, Sarah, but... don't you want to have a family with me?” At this point, it was hard for you to keep the tears in. It hurt you so much, but for some reason you didn't want to show it.

“It’s not... it’s not that, y/n, but... we are a family, right? We talked about this years ago, you said didn't see yourself as a mother either. So _why?_ Why now?” Sarah sighed, running her hands through her short and slightly curly hair.

“People change, Sarah. I changed my mind, and I-I think we can do this? We can–”

“No. _I don't want a baby_ , and believe me you don't want it either y/n. All children do is cry and misbehave, we don't even have the time for parenting. Forget about it.” Sarah’s harsh voice caused a pang in your heart, and you couldn't keep the tears anymore. Your vision was blurry and you let out an awful sob, making feel Sarah extremely guilty for being so bluntly towards you.

“I’m–I’m sorry baby, I'm sorry, come here.” Sarah’s attempt to pull you into her embrace failed, as you pushed the chair backward and stood up rushing towards the room.

After locking the door you threw yourself to the bed and cried. You cried until you didn't have any tears left and your head was pounding. Sarah tried to talk to you but you told her to back off each time, until she stopped trying.

None of the things she said made sense to you, she didn't have a real reason to say no, let alone being so harsh with her words.

Hours later you were out of the room, sitting on your patio with a bottle of beer in hand. Sarah was nowhere to be found and it didn't bother you. You had no intention to cross words with her, and you knew she might be at Elizabeth's place.

You lit a cigarette under the moonlight where no one could judge you, and you thought maybe Sarah was right; neither of you were meant to be mothers. _But damn it hurts._

Your heart nearly jumped out of your chest when you heard a high-pitched bark, making you spill some beer on your shirt. _“Shit!”_ You screamed, hand on your chest when you noticed Sarah standing a couple of feet away from you.

She wasn't alone though, a white maltipoo puppy was in her arms you stare at them both with a confused expression. “M’sorry honey, we didn't mean to scare you.” Sarah stare back at you, mentally scolding herself for calling you pet names when you were clearly mad at her. You _hated_ that.

You didn't say anything though, waiting for Sarah to explain herself before you could lose your mind. She caught the indirect and looked down at the puppy, then took a deep breath.

“There’s so many people that I love, so many friends, my family, you... but since I was a teenager I was the only one I cared for. I wanted to have a career, be someone, that was my only goal.”

Sarah looked at you timidly and made her way to the chair next to you, stroking the puppy's back. You took a drag of the stick and crossed your legs, looking at the pet as well, but your attention was still in her words.

“I didn't care about anyone else until I met you, and I know it sounds cliché and maybe lame, but it's true. It took me a while to be used to it, I was afraid to open up to you, and you know it... The point is, _I'm not ready._ I'm scared to bring a little life into ours, and I know we've been together for long enough, but I need some more time to adjust to the idea, so instead... here's another kind of little life we can care for. I need to start with baby steps too, and I hope you can accept that.”

That was the real reason you needed to hear, and also the apology. You completely understood what she meant, but you still couldn't find the words.  
Dropping the cigarette into the ashtray, you held the dog in your hands.

“It’s a he or a she?” You asked softly, laughing as the dog licked your chin. Sarah smiled widely and you couldn't help but give her a smile in return.

“It’s a she, we still have to pick a name for her.”

“How about... Sasha?” Sarah shook her head instantly. “Peanut? Cleo?”, “Hmm, I don't think so.”

“Coco... no! wait, wait... Joplin! Ugh, I love that one, don't you little one?” You smiled and played with the still nameless dog, chuckling as she smelled the beer in your shirt and pulled away.

“Honey... I truly love you, but I will _never_ let you choose our kid's name.” You pouted, giving Sarah the opportunity to peck your lips. It was still dangerous territory, but when you kissed her back she smiled.

“I truly love you, too. And I'll ignore what you just said.”

**Author's Note:**

> Work previously posted on Wattpad as -concilium


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